Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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