Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
