youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
