The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
