I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
