the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
