Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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