my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
