Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
