He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
