Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
