You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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