im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
