Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize