I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize