lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
