Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
