just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
