Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
