dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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