i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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