Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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