Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
