We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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