I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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