I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
