thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
