trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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