We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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