Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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