The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
