Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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