he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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