remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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