What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
