I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
