I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
