John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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