I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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