i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
