I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
