Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
