HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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