I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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