I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
