You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
