i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
