i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
