i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
