Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize