4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
