so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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