No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
