I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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