I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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