my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I have tasted many bathrooms
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
