He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
