yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
