that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
