maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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